Magna is the world's biggest and most profitable company ever, in the history of humanity. We think that's a good thing. If you bought our stock super early, you'd think so too.
MAGNA DIVISIONS
DEVICES
Our Devices team builds things you never really needed. We give devices away at less than cost so you'll use all of the other things we're selling you. Our loss is your loss.
SOCIAL MEDIA
We launched Social Media with the intent to help you build meaningful connections. With the rapid spread of misinformation it's caused, that's not exactly how things turned out, but as long as we started with good intentions, we're totally OK with the end outcome.
SPORTS BETTING
We still can't believe they let us do this, but we've partnered with your local governments and politicians to make technology-enabled Sports Betting way easier than ever before. Go ahead - blow your kids' college funds or your retirement savings on the outcome of a meaningless sporting event!
PHARMACEUTICALS
Unlimited prescription drugs by mail from our Pharmaceuticals division ensure that the pleasure receptors in your brain are constantly and directly stimulated. If we play our cards right, we might get a wing of a museum named after us.
FUNERAL SERVICES
Magna's Funeral Services team puts the FUN in FUNerals with social-media friendly, extremely expensive, death-fiestas. Launch your body into space, have your lifeless body shot up by anti-aircraft missiles, or plan a Viking funeral. You only die once - have fun with it!
HOT SAUCE
Full corporate transparency - we needed somewhere to send our overworked top executives' messed up kids. Hot sauce is virtually impossible to screw up, so that's where we sent them.
Working Here -
Better Than Not Working Here.
If you're lucky enough to make it through the grueling twelve levels of hell that is our interview process - congratulations! Here are some of the awesome things you have to look forward to:
Just Stupid Money
We're paying people what to do what? Due to our unprecedented size and obscene profit margins, we can afford to pay insanely high salaries to do 1/10th of the work you'd do anywhere else.
Unlimited Vacations
Want to go to Fiji? Go for it! Just be sure you dial into those daily four-hour meetings that you don't have a speaking part in, and check your email at least every six minutes.
Free Kobe Steak and Lobster
Only specially raised Japanese cows bathed in beer and Maine lobsters are suitable to be served in our cafeterias. Go ahead, scarf it down, or fill a backpack or two - it's totally free to you, and a financial rounding error for us!
Ergonomic bed-desks
We want you to be really comfortable here - so comfortable you don't ever want to leave. That's why every bed-desk at Magna has 20,000 thread count sheets, pillows filled with leopard fur, and mattresses made with Saudi Arabian horsetail hair. Work, sleep, get woken up by a page when something you didn't build breaks, work, repeat.
Meeting Free Fridays
Absolutely no meetings on Friday. Awesome, right? Those 14 things filling your calendar on Fridays? Those are just "collaborative productivity summits."
All the perks
All of our offices have Japanese Hello Kitty toilets, champagne float chambers, and hot chocolate kombucha fountains. Too busy to have kids? At Magna, female employees can freeze their eggs for whenever their schedules free up.
